Saturday, July 12, 2008

I'm leaving my baby!

(How could anyone leave this sweet baby??)

Okay. Because I'm going to Singapore on Monday, both of my teaching jobs want me to find substitutes and prepare lesson plans for the classes I'll miss. So, I've been working my ass off to get my lesson plans done for my substitute teachers. And, I've been busy working on lesson plans for the summer school classes I will be teaching when I get back from my trip. So, this trip is causing more work than I had planned.

In addition to all the work, I'm getting a bit hesitant about leaving my baby for a week. I've never been away from Jude for more than 2 days. And, Husband has never been in charge at home for more than a day. So, I'm worried that Jude will be left at the bus stop all alone forced to eat bugs because Husband will forget to feed him. I know Husband is a grown man and can handle a 3 year old, but I still worry.

I worry about lots of things...most of which are out of my control. I worry that Husband will forget to pack Jude's backpack for school with the correct supplies. I worry that Jude will choke while eating dinner, and I won't be there to help him. I worry that Jude will get sick and need mommy to make it all better. I worry that Jude will have a bad nightmare and need mommy to comfort him in the night. I worry that my plane will crash and burn up, and my family will be alone...left to fend for themselves. I worry that "The Big One" (The Tokai Earthquake) will hit Japan while I'm gone, and my family will be crushed in the apartment building where we live. I even have an emergency plan just in case an earthquake does happen and Husband can't get to Jude because of work. I worry about lots of things. I think I worry mostly because I love my family dearly...they are my world. They are all that matters to me. And, if something awful were to happen while I'm away on my relaxing vacation alone, I could never forgive myself for leaving. I guess this is how most loving mothers feel when they leave their kids for out of town meetings or work.

Honestly, I feel guilty for leaving them for a vacation. I know it's only for a week, but I've never left them before, and it scares the shit out of me. When Jude was born, I couldn't work because I couldn't be away from him. I know most mothers go back to work 3 months after their babies are born, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. With the birth of my son, I knew I would never let him feel like a burden. I would never choose a job or stuff over him. I knew I would give him my time, my love...well, everything I had, I would give to my baby. I knew when I had him that we would do without certain things so that I could stay home and nurture my little gift from God. I chose to raise my son instead of having a big house or fancy car. I could have worked and had nice stuff like the Joneses, but to me it wasn't worth it. I couldn't see pawning my kid off at daycare so that I could drive a fancy new car or wear designer clothes. And, because we never extended ourselves financially, I was never forced to work. We lived within our means, maybe even below our means. We did all of that so I could raise my baby and share the time with him that would never be given back. I'm not saying that working mothers are making the wrong choices. All I'm saying is that when given the opportunity, I chose my family and child about everything else. Some people claim that family is everything, but then they make selfish choices. I truly believe that my family is all that matters in the world, and leaving them for 6 nights 7 days is the hardest thing I've had to do since the birth of my son. I know some of you think I'm crazy, and I am. But, I'm scared and sad to be leaving for vacation without my family. Husband thinks I need and deserve this trip. I think I do, too. But, when it comes down to it, leaving is harder than I ever thought it would be.
Just another day in Weenie's World!

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