Monday, July 20, 2009

This is for all the prego ladies out there

Okay, so I've got about 10 friends that are pregnant right now. There must be something in the water, so I ain't drinking it!

Most of these women are prego with their first kiddo. They have no idea their world is about to be turned, flipped, and then squished into something they might not recognize for about 6 months. Seriously, childbirth is a life altering moment that will totally rock your world. For some, it will be a beautiful process filled with happiness, butterflies, and baby coos. For the rest of you (soon-to-be moms), it will be filled with stretch marks, painful, milk-leaking boobs, baby poop shooting from diapers, sleepless nights, crying, crying, and more crying (not from your baby, but from you!). My experience was somewhere in between.

So, as a mother and a friend, I must warn you about the absolute worst moment of the birthing process. And, no, it's not the pain, the burning, or the crapping in a bucket on the birthing bed as your husband watches. No! This is much, MUCH worse!

So, four years ago, as I laid in the hospital bed, after I gave birth to my son, sore, tired and with GINORMOUS boobs, I thought all the horribleness was over. Well, I was wrong! About 4 hours after giving birth, a nurse walked into my hospital room with a small flashlight. Behind her were 4 nursing students. She quietly approached and said, "Roll over, please." Since I was completely exhausted and a little loopy, I completely rolled over and returned to a seated position. The nurse and her posse looked at me and giggled. Then she said, "Roll over, I need to see your bottom." Huh?! Look at my bottom?! What?! I just gave birth to a little, bean burrito, crapped on the table, and had my cooter exposed for viewing for almost 9 hours, and now you want to look at my asshole?! Haven't I endured enough, I thought to myself. I was reluctant. I wasn't moving. Then she explained, "We have to check your bottom for hemorrhoids, please roll over." I assured her that I didn't have hemorrhoids and that I hadn't sustained any damage down there. But, she didn't care. She had to see for herself.

So, after 10 minutes of cringing, squirming, and trying to keep my butt cheeks tightly together, I gave in and rolled over. Then, to add insult to injury she asked, "This is a teaching facility, do you mind if these nursing students take a peek, too?" I kindly responded, "Oh, what the hell, half the damn hospital has seen my cooter, I guess I can show you my asshole next!" All I can remember was the heat from the small flashlight on my bung hole. She explained a few things to the nursing students while aiming the light at my bung hole. After about 2 minutes, she allowed me to roll back over. Then she said, "Nope, you were right, you don't have any hemorrhoids." No shit, Sherlock, I thought. Then, the nurse and her posse left my room.

After that, all I could think about was going to the grocery store and running into one of those nursing students. I never forget a face, and I was sure I would never forget their faces. I could even picture our future encounter at the grocery store. It would have gone something like this:

Weenie: "Oh, hey, how's it going? It's me! Ya know, the midget, Mexican momma. The one that DIDN'T have hemorrhoids! I'm the one that let you look at my asshole 4 hours after giving birth. Yep, I'm the one! So, did you graduate from nursing school, yet?"

Yes, to this day, the hemorrhoid check was the most embarrassing moment of the entire birthing process. I still have nightmares about women in lab coats with stethoscopes around their necks, coming at me with pen flashlights, trying to pry apart my tensed, butt cheeks, in hopes of getting a peek at my bung hole. Yes, I have nightmares about this often. In fact, I just had one about this last night, and that's why I'm writing this. I'm writing to warn all you poor ladies who will soon be going down that very road. I'm writing to warn you! So, be prepared.

Hopefully, your hospital won't be a teaching one!


Anonymous said...

Wow .... the miracle of birth .... and you put it so beautifully ....

Big D

Weenie said...

Thank you! Look, honesty is the best policy! I just want to give all the prego ladies a heads up! This was never mentioned in any of the useless birthing books I read. So, consider this my public awareness message!

Anonymous said...

A heads up ...... he he he .....heads or tails ?

Big D

Weenie said...

I just wanted to write a post where I could say bung hole 5 times!

Tara said...

Thanks for the heads up about the booty inspection. I do know about all of the other stuff you mentioned, even if I have yet to experience it. :) I have been preparing myself for the rest; I don't think there is any way to prepare for that one, though!

Weenie said...

Maybe you could shave your bung hole, if you have a hairy one. Or better yet, get a good waxing. I recommend it. It's always better to have strangers looking at well manicured private parts. At least I think so. ;-)