Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm going to explode!

Oh, I don't feel so good! I was fine this morning. I just got home from teaching. I think something I just ate is trying to claw it's way out through my belly button! My stomach keeps growing and growing. I even had to loosen the string on my draw string pants. Oh...I even took a couple of extra strength super dooper Maalox chewables...they just haven't kicked in yet. Oh, I'm in utter pain and agony. I yearn for something sharp so I can throw myself on it, in hopes of popping the giant gas bubble that keeps building and building inside of me. Lord help me! Send an ambulance, the police...someone with Gas X please come to my rescue! I need help. I need to burp like a man or fart soon or I'll explode. Ohhhh, I seriously need to pass this gas or die.
I can hear the gas building. It sounds like an old creaky door inside my belly. Creak, creak, gurgle, gurgle, bloop, bloop....oh, Lord help me! I need an enema, a suppository, something...
My gut is so swollen I look 6 months prego...jeez. I've never wanted to fart so bad. Someone help me. In my desperation to get the gas out, I'm now drinking a carbonated beverage. I'm hoping I'll burp and the pain will go away. Oh me, oh my...seriously this is worse than giving birth. Someone please pop me!
Oh no! I can hear a gurgling sound in my ass. No good can come from this.
As I'm sitting here, my stomach is still growing. At this rate, I'll get stretch marks in about 3 minutes. Lord help me! I need the pressure to be relieved soon or my guts will soon be splattered on my apartment walls. Wait, I feel a burp coming....Praise the Lord!
Oh, I just burped. I burped so loud it echoed off the walls. Thank you Jesus! Oh, the pain is still there, but no as bad. Oh, wait, I'm still blowing up like a freaking balloon. OOoOOOOoooOOOOOOoooooOOOhhhhhHHHHhhhh, someone kill me now. I promise I won't eat another thing....until dinner time. I want to die. How can gas be this painful??!! Seriously! Oh, I just burped again. Awww, that was blissful. How wonderful it is to burp! Oh, I can still hear the gurgling sound in my ass. Pray for me people! I've never asked for anything from you before...but now I need your prayers! Pray to Jesus, Allah, Jesus (pronounced Hay-soos), Buddha....or whoever you pray to...ask them to help your little gas filled blogging buddy. Only a higher power can help now! Oh wait, just burped again. I feel some relief.
The gurgling sound in my ass is getting louder. I'm not sure if I need to fart or shit. Oh, I hate to fart right here at the computer. I mean what if my shit/fart separator isn't working properly and I crap my pants at the desk. I would hate to have to clean that up!
Uh-oh, Husband came home for lunch and just mentioned his guts are on fire. It's a good thing we have 2 toilets...and they aren't the squatty kind.
I can't take it anymore...I'm going to go try and make a deposit...if you know what I mean. Keep me in your prayers, please!


Anonymous said...

My how you love to talk about BMs!

Weenie said...

It didn't start off about BMs! It just started with an upset tummy! I'm better now.