Friday, August 28, 2009

3 things you'll need to survive motherhood

Baby Jude, 10 minutes old.

Okay, we are now entering the baby zone!

Life goes in cycles. Ten years ago was the party zone. You know, were you went out ever night, drank yourself silly, danced on tables, and then had to clean yourself up for your job the next morning. About 7 years ago was the marrying zone. It seems everyone got married at the same time. There were weddings to attend almost once a month. Now is the baby zone. Everyone is either pregnant or experiencing their first year with their new addition.

So, here are a few words of advice for all of the women out there entering the baby zone. First, you will need a few things to survive this period in your life. Here are a few tools you will need to succeed:
  1. CONCEALER! Yes, start stocking up now. If they have it at Costco, you should definitely buy it in bulk! Okay, with sleepless nights, from peeing every 10 minutes--courtesy of a fetus sitting on your bladder--or as a result of a newborn crying every 2 hours around the clock, either way you WILL need to wear concealer in public places. Otherwise, you will resemble a zombie from Night of the Living Dead! This is not an option, ladies! For our sake, and for your husband's sake, please hide those dark circles and bags under your eyes! Motherhood is hard enough, but you don't need to walk around looking like shit!

  2. BIRTH CONTROL! Yes, I just wrote BIRTH CONTROL! Look, just because you have a child, it doesn't mean your sex life has to end. Yes, I know you are exhausted, I know you have milk leaking from your boobs, I know you probably have no desire, but, remember, you were a wife and lover to your husband before you became a mom. Just because you take on the title of Mommy, it doesn't mean you lose your title as your husband's lover! Too often, new moms forget about their husbands. I know a newborn is demanding! Believe me, I've been there! (Remember, I nursed my kid for 16 months!) In fact, my kid STILL doesn't sleep through the night. He comes to my bed almost every night for a visit, and he's almost 5 years old! So, I know how you feel. I'm tired, too! But our husbands have needs, too! And, it is YOUR job to fulfill them. Yes, I just said it's YOUR job! (Please feel free to write me hate mail. I look forward to it!) When you married your husband, you agreed to be a team forever. And as a teammate, you have an obligation to stay in the game- NO MATTER WHAT! You have to be there for your husband, too. Often times, women lose themselves in their children and their husbands become chopped liver. Don't let that happen to your husband. He deserves more! So, don't stop being your husband's lover, ever!

  3. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT! Okay, chances are you gained a few pounds from pregnancy. That's normal. But carrying around baby weight when your kid goes off to college is not acceptable! And, wearing maternity clothes a year after your kid is born is NOT okay! So, after your kid arrives, invest in a good pair of walking/running shoes and a baby jogger, or a workout video, or a gym membership that has free child care. You need to work out and be healthy for your family. You need to have a healthy BMI, so you can be a good example for your child. You need to show your kid that moms can be strong and kick ass, too! Plus, after you work out, you'll be too tired to strangle your husband and your child. You won't have the energy to beat your kid! So, it's a plus for everyone! Everyone will benefit from your workout!

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