Loss

On Friday, my friend lost her baby during childbirth. I was shocked to discover the news...utterly shocked.

Of all the women in the world, she was the most prepared soon-to-be-mommy I have ever known. She's like me, a planner. So, it was only natural for her to be prepared for everything. But no one was prepared for this.

The Lord had other plans.

In the last few months of her pregnancy, I felt a connection to her. Unlike our other friends, she had a difficult pregnancy, like myself. So, we were connected by the fact that we hated all the other women in the world who loved being pregnant. It annoyed us to our core to hear women say, "Oh, I just love being pregnant." For both of us, we lost control of our bodies during pregnancy. Our days were filled with nausea, vomiting, migraines, and insomnia. Again, I felt connected with her, because she understood how I felt being pregnant, and vice versa.

But nothing prepared me for Friday. Nothing.

I was in utter shock and disbelief when I heard the news. My heart ached when I read the eloquent e-mail she sent to us regarding the passing of her baby girl. Immediately, I wanted to fix things and make them right for her. She doesn't deserve this, I thought to myself. But, there was nothing I could do. Nothing.

As a mother, I can't imagine her pain. I can't imagine how she feels at this moment. The hardest part is not knowing what to do or what to say.

I'm a simple person. If there's a problem, you fix it. But this can't be fixed.

Today, the only thing that comforted me was running. I wanted to turn the pain I felt in my heart into a pain I can control and endure- a pain I'm used to. I know the pain of running 12 miles. I can deal with that pain. I can endure and handle that physical pain. I thought the physical pain of running would suppress the pain in my heart, but it didn't work. I thought if I could channel my heartache and sadness into my running, it would disappear. But I was wrong. Terribly wrong.